Farewell to 2015

Beyond the pain and anguish,
beyond the fires of hell,
It matters not the choice I
make, for only time will tell;

It seeps inside me, oh the burn,
The anguish will not leave,
I want to screem, I want to shout, I want to escape,  but all I can do is grieve.

I can not foretell the path ahead,
Nor what my future holds,
But I can surely bet one thing,
The horizon is dark and cold.

The desires inside me are just as strong, even after years have passed,
My love for Cathy is true and unshakeable, God gave me love that last.

For out beyond the galaxies,
Where stars and planets roam,
I miss you cute, my sweet angel-face,
Heaven has become your home.
Though I cry under my smile,
I let people think I'm fine,
But all I want is to be with Cathy,
And leave this world behind.

Third Christmas without Cathy

I remember our first Christmas 1974, it was a time of great fun and joy. Cathy was vibrant and gorgeous. I was smitten and in love. She wanted a Christmas tree, I only had a Corvette. We went shopping anyway and found the tree she liked. We strapped it to the back of the corvette the best we could and brought it home. It was a Scotch pine and what a magnificent tree it was. It adorn her little apartment with all the trimmings and decorations like a pillar of Christmas. It's sat upon a yellow shag rug like a field of daffodils. I remember the grandeur to this day. We had coffee and cake in the evening  in front of it and watched the tree's mesmerizing lights. Love is in the air and it was Christmas. We enjoy it day by day, week by week, month by month. We watched as every needle fell as it formed a neat little green pyramid at the base of the tree. Then came April when all the needles fell and all that was left was the skeleton of the tree with dangling lights with no needles to cling. Cathy resisted but we finally took it out to the trash. The trashman commented, "I have never seen one of these in April". I replied with a laugh. Then came the agony of the feet. I spent the rest of the summer stepping on pine needles and many drew blood. I remember the moment, I remember the time. I remember the great fun and joy. I remember Cathy. Miss you cute.

Third Thanksgiving without Cathy

I walk in Shadows
I walk in shadows under a starry black night,
I hear a whisper of a passing breeze.
It caress my cheeks like one, long passed
A fleeing moment of love still last.

Deep dark caverns and long damp holes,
Envelops the spirit and emotions seized.
Memories and thoughts are all that’s left,
A willing decent into the murky depth.

Day in and day out, distractions withholding,
Tasks and involvement help pass the day.
Little events and a pleasant smile,
Gives moment reprieve for a little while.

My mourning and sorrows may not be light,
This is my life, be it as it may.
I miss you deeply, my angel face,
You know my wishes, God speed with haste.

A Place Far, Far, Away
There was a place that I hold so dear,
A sanctuary, a haven that's far and near.
You travel to it with hearts and mind,
Once you arrive, it's devoid of time.

Moments pass not by the tick of a clock,
But the gentle call of a distant lark.
I frequent this place when I embrace,
The one true love, my angel face.

Poets write, how time stands still,
I've come to know their meaning, and it's real.
The warmth that emanates can send you afar,
You drift into space and one with the stars.

This place I yearn, no longer exist,
The void that remains is a dark abyss.
What once was a sanctuary is now no more,
Rip from the heart and stripped to the core.

All About Cathy Two years 29 days and counting

All About Cathy

No one really knew that much about Cathy. No one really knew the depth  of her character or her personality. She was truly unique in so many ways. She loved with such passion that I could sense it when it glowed. The picture I took at the national zoo when Cathy put her head next to D's. There was so much warmth in that embrace, it was like staring into the sun...yet Devin was oblivious stuffing his face and looking away. It made such a cute picture.
Cathy was quiet and non-obtrusive. Her actions and motives were subtle and inconspicuous. Yet behind it was a tower of genuine love and caring unmatched by any standards. Cathy was all about feelings. She allowed emotions to rule most of her life. She had a uncanny sense of knowing a person's real or true intentions. She also sense how people felt about her contrary to their words or actions, and in many, many cases she was spot-on. It, I believe, was a gift of sensory that few possess. It was almost like having a "third eye". Oh, by the way, she could read me like a book. I could never get away with a lie. One of many of her traits I love...lol.
The most important things in Cathy's life was husband and family. Nothing else came close. Yes, she like nice things like everyone else but she would give it all up for me and family if it came to that. I don't know of anyone in my life-time that have that kind of conviction, principle, and integrity that Cathy had and oh, how I miss her to this day. I long for her presence.
I suppose the most appealing trait of Cathy's character is her child-like mannerism. She never relinquish that part of her that was four years old. What made it especially appealing is that she had full command of it and can turn it on or off at will. The core of her being was a mature, intelligent, and beautiful woman. But when it was time to play, she gave full reign to that 4 year old. God I love it when she played. Among all the other traits, she could also be goofy, spunky, teasing, and funny.
As to her personality, Cathy possess such genuine warmth and friendliness that no one would or should feel threatened by her presence or company. She was shy and reserved but sometimes it was well hidden. Because she was well read and intelligent, Cathy could converse on many different subjects and topics. She was particularly knowledgeable in politics, world and national events and could stand toe to toe with anyone on those subjects. Cathy was extremely intelligent, and her mind was well suited for analytical thinking, pragmatic extrapolation and deductive reasoning. She would have made a fine lawyer or police detective. But her soft demeanor and benevolent nature would have prevented her ever entering those careers.
Cathy had a way about her that embodied all that is truly good and wholesome. On the surface, she was just a normal, honest, loving human being. But deep inside she also had a strong sense of right and wrong, the moral fortitude to follow the right path, and the strength to continue that path even at high cost and consequences based on her integrity and high principles. There are so many "attributes" Cathy possess for which I loved her for and miss her to this day. The quality and volume of all that made up that cute angel face was why it was effortless to fall deeply and madly in love with her. I first fell in love with her thinking that my keen sense of her qualities were sufficient because there were so many. What I didn't realize then was that I only scratched the surface of the depth in which that infinite pool of all her qualities and attributes were not only amazing but genuinely unique. As I began to discover all those interesting and marvelous traits over time, I was enlightened to the full scope of this beautiful person God created. I loved her more and more every passing day and the 39 years I spent with her was pure magic. No one will ever know how much or how deep my feelings go for her. I only hope that I'm worthy to be with her when I pass.
Lastly, in her final months of life, I became aware just how brave and strong her spirit was. I always knew she had a core that was worthy by any comparison, but faced with the ultimate end, her display exceeded all bounds of expectation and conceivable limits. She faced death without fear, without anxiety, and without regrets. Her only comment to me was that she didn't want to die angry. I knew exactly what she meant, and I pray to God that I too can achieve that. I miss you Cathy, I miss you sweetie. All my love.

Solemn Farewell

Laugh and I'm feeling fine.
But I still cry inside.
Twist and turn and agonize.
Rise and fall like the changing tides.
Wanting to relive moments past.
With thoughts of taking a different path.
Life's so fragile with such highs and lows.
In pleasure or agony as we repose.

Too often we remiss the gifts we're given,
Only to lament when those gifts are taken.
Cathy my love I miss you so much.
Your kiss, your warmth, your sweet loving touch.

Those all that feel and know my anguish,
I give you thanks and the best of my wishes.
It's human nature to commiserate,
I for one, deeply appreciate.
Be not sadden on my behalf,
God has tasked me to walk this path.

No one can say how long one should mourn,
It all depends on how deeply you're torn.
In time the wound would be hard to see,
but the scars will always be with me.

I search for solace over valles and hills,
I love you Cathy I mourn you still.
Life goes on and I'll persevere,
Every passing day will bring me nearer.
Dreams and hopes will set me free.
I pray to God that it will be.