Year Seven

Cathy was everything I admired in a woman. And that which I admire the most I didn't learn until later on in the relationship. I grew up with an appreciation for a certain look, a certain poise, a certain smile and a certain demeanor. What I didn't know at the time was the wealth of characteristics and personalities that I myself have not matured to appreciate. My first love was Esther Williams when I was just a boy. Her beauty and her grace was exemplified not only in the water but while she was on land. Little that I know then that what I saw and appreciate in her at the time was so superficial and infantile and the rich quality of a woman can go so deep, I was destined for an Enlightenment.

That Enlightenment came in the form of Cathy. Over the years the intelligence the wittiness the sophistication the sheer capabilities and talent that Cathy possessed along with her goofiness and what Robin Williams said in one of his movies he called "the good stuff" was what I've come to truly appreciate. Now after having 39 years with a beautiful person, I know exactly what I like and appreciate and I know exactly the qualities that appeals to me. The complete and total essence of a beautiful person through and through that I fell in love with. I don't see, know or associate with anyone that have the same qualities, intelligence, personality or behavior as Cathy. And if I did, (not that it matters), I firmly believe that that person would not see the same favorable qualities that Cathy saw in me. On top of that I don't really want or seek another relationship because the memories and love I had with Cathy would ruin whatever would exist in the present. Besides I don't care to emotionally hurt anyone because I can't give what I have already given to Cathy. The constant remembrance of one I hold so dear will be an impediment to developing the same kind of feeling for a spouse or partner. That kind of love is so different and so intimate for me that it rests on a pedestal all by itself. So different from my love for others.

That's not to say that  love is finite because it's different and varies from person to person. I have known people to marry four five six times. I hold no abrasion or opinion to that. All I'm saying is that it doesn't work for me. I love Cathy and that's all there is. However, I love my parents just as much but differently. I wish none other. I love my son, I wouldn't replace him for the world. I love Cate and the kids. I wish none other. If someone asked me to trade any of those, I would without hesitation say no at any price. But to have that intimate love with Cathy, to have that spiritual warmth, that ultimate magic, it takes a totally different form so beautiful that I believe God intended it to be so. It truly is uniquely magical. God blessed me with finding Cathy for which I'm eternally grateful. I sometimes wish I can achieve that degree of love for God or Christ but he's going to have to help me with that because I'm totally not able on my own. I keep trying but I'm just not put together that way but I'll keep trying. I pray to God to have mercy on my soul. I miss you, Cathy, my love.